Priorities

Every morning, Gwen and Xavier call me while they wait for the school bus and give me the "Kid Report." We do this in part so the kids can practice dialing the phone, but it also lets me know how the kids are doing. Usually when the kids are done talking to me, Adam takes over until the bus comes or I need to get back to work.

This morning was no different. Gwen called and let me know how she was doing, then Xavier took over and let me know what he thought he would be doing at school.

When Adam took over, he was in the midst of chatting about his plans for the day, when suddenly he said, "Xav! Where are you going? What? What? You have to go to the bathroom?!? But the bus will be here -- I gotta go. [Click]"

I can just picture Xavier thinking, "Well, Mom would never leave if I was in the bathroom ..."

Lazy Summer

Yes, I know, I didn't post very much this summer. I was busy between travel, job-hunting, more travel, more job-hunting, hitting people up for references, etc. On the bright side, I did find a new job, so hopefully things will settle down this fall.

One of the high points of this summer was going to see my parents July 4th weekend. We took my five-year-old niece, Chloe, with us, and she was probably the funniest of the three kids that weekend. Some highlights:

• The mosquitos are pretty aggressive in the small town where my parents live, so whenever we went to the playground (which happened two or three times a day), I would hose the kids down with bug spray as we left the house. Since bug spray (with Deet!) smells awful in its native form, I had "Tropical Fresh" scented spray. I've been using this "flavor" for six years on my own kids, but evidently it was too tempting for Chloe. After one exclamation of, "Chloe, don't lick the bug spray off your legs!" though, she got the idea.
• We went to the local 4th of July festival at the church in my parent's town. While there, my father ran into a friend of his. I don't remember her name (I'll call her Sherry). My Dad said, "Hi, Sherry, I'd like you to meet my daughter, Mandy, and my grandchildren, Miranda, Xavier, and Chloe." Sherry said hello, and added, "I sure wish my grandkids could be here, too!" Chloe piped up, "Why aren't they? Are they dead?"
• On the way home, Chloe announced that she needed to use the bathroom, so we pulled off at a Wilco gas station. As I gathered the girls up to head to the restroom, Adam said to Xavier, "So, which do you want to do first -- pump gas or go to the bathroom?" (I should note that Xavier would not actually be involved in the actual pumping of the gas.) Chloe looked around and cried, "But I want to pump gas!" Adam said, "But, Chloe, you said you needed to use the bathroom!" Chloe burst into tears, "But I want to pump gas!" Needless to say, ten minutes later Adam was pumping gas while Gwen, Xavier, and Chloe supervised.

Lest you think my kids are falling down on the job ...

My kids have become quite fond of Mystery Science Theater 3000 (which we can check out from Netflix.) Naturally, Adam and I screen the videos before letting the kids watch them, but most of them are pretty safe. In one of the videos, Hercules Unchained, the comedians running the show created a Steve-finder. To be honest, when Adam was screening the video for appropriateness, I was busy finishing up some work for my last job, but I believe the gist of it was that it was supposed to "detect" movies with B-grade actor Steve Hunter in it (who played Hercules in the movie.)

Xavier was evidently inspired by the "Steve-finder," and a couple of days later he told Adam that he had invented the Stud-finder.

Startled, Adam, asked what it does.

Xavier explained, "Well, Dad, it looks for studs. And when it finds one, it says 'A-boing! A-boing! A-boing! A-boing!'"

Adam was very relieved to find that by "stud," Xavier was referring to the little round thingies that stick out of legos.

After another episode of Mystery Science Theater (one based on an old Air Force propaganda film), we asked Gwen and Xavier what they thought. Gwen remarked, "It was pretty good, but there was too much sex in it."

Adam and I looked at each other, and I said, "Gee, I really don't remember there being any sex in that movie."

Gwen laughed. "I'm just joking! We don't even know what that is!"

I said, "Well, sex is what two people do in order to make a baby." (We have explained -- at a high level -- where babies come from.)

Xavier glanced at Gwen. "There certainly wasn't any of that!" he remarked.

Then there was the Mystery Science Theater we screened and deemed inappropriate. When Gwen asked why, I replied, "There was too much violence and bad language."

Xavier asked, "So it wasn't because there was too much of people trying to adopt babies, then?"

Well, there are many more anecdotes, but Xavier has painted my face like a mummy and wants me to chase them around the yard. Although I know the housing market is slow right now, I can guarantee that in the next week several houses in my neighborhood are going to hit the market, and my guess is that they'll be going cheap.

Back to School

Today I put my kids on the school bus (two buses, in fact) for the first day of school. This was Xavier's first day of kindergarten; I'm afraid there was much crying and carrying on when he climbed on the bus, quite the scene. Luckily, I managed to pull myself together before I got to work.

No, seriously, the kids were quite excited about the beginning of the school year. We were out waiting for the bus twenty minutes early (evidently, given when the bus arrived.) I stepped inside the house for five seconds to grab the camera, and came back out to see one of our neighbors pulling away as the kids chorused, "Goodbye!"

"Oh, was Mr. Ceguy saying hello to you guys?" I asked.

Xavier shrugged. "I don't know who the heck that was," he replied.

Note to self: More "don't talk to strangers" training, and must get the kids to know their neighbors better.

I took pictures of the kids until the batteries on the camera died. Adam and I stood outside with the kids, swatting insects and sweating, and finally a school bus came around the corner. It stopped in front of our house, and the driver said, as the kids clambered on board, "I really don't think this is your bus, but I can take them to school if you want."

I hesitated. There is a mystery bus that -- for some reason -- goes through our neighborhood even though it doesn't appear to pick anyone up here. I think maybe the driver has a phobia about that stretch of road that connects the two entrances to our subdivision, because it certainly isn't a short-cut for him to come through this way. The number on the side of the bus was 78; my kids are supposed to ride bus 14, but one thing we have learned over the years is, you can't actually trust the number on the bus. "Our kids are supposed to ride bus 14," I said.

"Yeah, this isn't their bus, but I can take them to school if you like."

I decided we'd better wait for their bus -- the last thing we needed was for their "real" driver to be confused over whether this was a "real" stop or not. Of course, in the meantime, the kids were already on the bus.

"You'd better come get them off," the driver said -- I guess he was afraid to tell them so himself -- so I did. The bus was nearly empty, and the kids were sitting together. "C'mon guys, this isn't your bus," I said.

They hopped off, amiable enough, and as bus 78 headed down the street -- on its mysterious mission -- bus 14 rounded the corner. Now, while bus 78 was nearly empty, the same could not be said of bus 14; as the kids climbed on board, the bus driver hollered, "Squeeze together and make room!" And to us, she commented, "There are a LOT of new kids this year." Kind of makes me wonder why bus 78 isn't our bus ...

When the bus pulled up at the end of the day, Xavier sprang off the bus as if catapulted and leapt into my arms -- I'm not even sure he touched the ground in between. "I had a GREAT day, Mom!" he shouted. Thank goodness.